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The Humor Corner – June/July 2020



No Direction Home

Moishe was driving home when his wife called. “Honey, are you on the turnpike?
“Yes”
“Well be careful! I just heard on the radio that some maniac is driving in the wrong direction.”
–“It’s not just one maniac. It’s hundreds of them!”

When your memory goes, forget it!

  • Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’ why men need instant replay in sports.
    –They’ve already forgotten what’s happened.
    – Rita Rudner
  • A long married couple are having dinner at the home of their good friends. When the meal has ended and the wives get up to clear the dishes, the men remain at the table and continue talking.”I meant to tell you,” says the host, “that we went to a terrific new restaurant on Thursday. I think you’ll love it.
    –“Great. What’s it called?”Damn, now I’m blanking. Help me out here. What’s the name of that red flower?””A poppy?”
    “No, the other one”

    “A tulip?”
    “No – you know the one with thorns.”

    “A rose!”
    “Thank you.” Turning toward the kitchen, he yells, “Rose! What’s the name of that restaurant?”

Classics

  • I don’t’ deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
    – Jack Benny
  • My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
    – Jerry Seinfeld
  • I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
    -Henny Youngman

Something to Sneeze At

“It’s just a bad cold,” the doctor said. “As you know, there’s no cure for that. You’ll just have to wait it out for a few days.”

–“But it’s making me miserable. There must be something you can do.

Well you could go home and take a hot bath. Then open all the windows and stand for awhile in the cold air.”

-“But wouldn’t I get pneumonia?”

“You might. But for that we have a cure.”

Statement from the Asheville Jewish Community



In the midst of a brand-new, deadly global crisis, our country has erupted in reaction to a centuries-old, deadly American crisis. The barbaric murders of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and George Floyd bring us to our knees not because they are new crises like the coronavirus, but because they are so timeworn. And for many of us, we also recognize in ourselves the response of Amy Cooper in her interaction with the bird watcher Chris Cooper and what could have been another tragic death. We have work to do.

As the Asheville Jewish Community, we stand in solidarity with those expressing their grief, shock, and sorrow over these killings and the widespread racism in our society. We stand in solidarity because of our beliefs in the fundamental equality, worth, and dignity of every human being. We stand in solidarity because our commitment to Tikkun Olam demands it. But we also ask the members of the Asheville Jewish Community to do more than stand in solidarity.

As our mountain home enters into a State of Emergency and curfew tonight, we hope you will consider the ways you can bear witness to rebuild peace and justice within our community. Here are a few places to start:

We do this in honor of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and George Floyd along with all African Americans who have died at the hands of racism and white supremacy in the 400 year history of these United States. May their memories be for a blessing.

B’Shalom,
Asheville Jewish Community Center
Carolina Jews for Justice
Center for Jewish Studies
Congregation Beth Israel
Congregation Beth HaTephila
Jewish Community Relations Council
Jewish Family Services of WNC
Jewish Secular Community of Asheville

A Message from our President about Reopening:



We are monitoring the governmental directives about potential reopening of businesses and other establishments like our temple facilities. At this time, we are unable to set a date for a phased reopening. We do know that we cannot plan any gatherings at the temple before July 10. We will provide updates on plans as they change in the coming weeks. Please email or call me if you have and questions or concerns.

Tikkun Gottschalk, President

Social Distancing in Effect. No gatherings of congregants.



Friends,

Because of the guidance about the Covid-19 virus,  all gatherings of congregants are cancelled including Friday Night Services, Religious School, and Adult Education.

PLEASE JOIN US BY WEBCAST: services will be broadcast via the website and FaceBook. You can use these links or navigate to Jewish Journeys > Prayer > Watch Services Online. There is no password required.
https://www.bethhatephila.org/jewish-journeys/prayer/watch-services-online/
OR
for FaceBook.

Please refrain from creating private watch parties on Facebook. As a community, we want to see and read everyones comments in one place, to help us promote a sense of togetherness during these virtual times.

CBHT Staff and leadership will continue to closely monitor the developing situation, and work to maintain our connections to each other and to our traditions in ways that promote everyone’s continued health and well being. Please call or email if there is anything staff or leadership can do to support you or your loved ones.

Tikkun Gottschalk, President

The Humor Corner – March 2020



Humor Corner strays a bit this month to keep readers’ minds fresh.
Leo Rosten’s Treasury of Jewish Quotations, published 1972, is a dazzling 4,352 Proverbs, Folk Sayings, Witticisms, Insights, Maxims and Moralisms – collected over 58 years.They are garnished with irony, paradox, and truth. Enjoy. Learn. Discuss..
“I have tried to include in this book, only those sayings that will make you laugh, smile, or think.”

Leo Rosten
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
“I never met a man in whom I failed to recognize some quality superior to myself if he was older, I said he has done more good than I; if he was younger, I said he has sinned less; if richer, I said he has given more to charity; if poorer, I said he has suffered more; if wiser, I paid honor to his wisdom; if not wiser, I judged his faults less severely. Take this to heart my son”
The Testament of Judah ben Jehiel Asher (1250-1327

ANXIETY

Only one type of worry is correct; to worry because you worry too much.

Riches bring anxiety; wisdom gives peace of mind.
APPEARANCE
All night, all cows look black.
Men see what we wear, not what we eat.
A goat has a  beard- but that does not make it a rabbi.
A homely patch is prettier than a beautiful hole.
If velvet and silk hang in your closet, you can step out in rags
When you have a new coat hanging on the wall, your old one does not feel ashamed.
A man looks to you the way you look at him.