“To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.”
“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.”
My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So, one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, “please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.” And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!”
A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you comfortable?” The guy says: “I make a good living.”
“I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out”.
“TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.”
And to get ready for the High Holy Days
A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashanah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: “Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!”
Some of the above were compiled by Don Steinberg for GQ Magazine June 1999