No Direction Home
Moishe was driving home when his wife called. “Honey, are you on the turnpike?
“Well be careful! I just heard on the radio that some maniac is driving in the wrong direction.”
–“It’s not just one maniac. It’s hundreds of them!”
When your memory goes, forget it!
- Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’ why men need instant replay in sports.
–They’ve already forgotten what’s happened.
– Rita Rudner
- A long married couple are having dinner at the home of their good friends. When the meal has ended and the wives get up to clear the dishes, the men remain at the table and continue talking.”I meant to tell you,” says the host, “that we went to a terrific new restaurant on Thursday. I think you’ll love it.
–“Great. What’s it called?”Damn, now I’m blanking. Help me out here. What’s the name of that red flower?””A poppy?”
“No, the other one”
“No – you know the one with thorns.”
“Thank you.” Turning toward the kitchen, he yells, “Rose! What’s the name of that restaurant?”
- I don’t’ deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
– Jack Benny
- My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
– Jerry Seinfeld
- I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Something to Sneeze At
“It’s just a bad cold,” the doctor said. “As you know, there’s no cure for that. You’ll just have to wait it out for a few days.”
–“But it’s making me miserable. There must be something you can do.
Well you could go home and take a hot bath. Then open all the windows and stand for awhile in the cold air.”
-“But wouldn’t I get pneumonia?”
“You might. But for that we have a cure.”